Vulnerability and a Four Letter Word...

A word will remind me. A smell. A song...of a time I felt so completely alone. And angry. And a failure.
There was a time I felt extremely and utterly vulnerable. And at the same time, hard as a rock. I remember running outside to the trees, dropping to my knees by a stream and crying to the heavens.  I remember feeling like I was crying to nothing, to emptiness. Other times like I was being cradled, just still lashing out. I felt in that desperate state many times. I blamed my circumstances. I blamed God. I blamed myself. I wasn't good enough. I messed everything up all of the time. Every relationship, situation, interaction. And later I owed it to my immaturity.
I grew up a little. Left a lot behind. Began a family. Started a new journey. Wanting to be someone different than I was. Or had turned out to be. Nature verses nurture...interesting thought when it comes to my life. I "decided" I was going to be better.
Over the next decade and a half, I would feel myself begin to dip down to that old state of mind and I would tell myself to stand tall, don't go down that road. I did slip many times into this weird mental state and retreat to my closet to hide (there was no mountain to cry to and with a house of kids I couldn't leave, the closet was my solace. Weird, I know). I would cry out and pray, trying to take it to God. To give it to God. I remember thinking, how am I suppose to give this God? I wish it was a tangible thing in my hand that I could just give over. Or throw at Him. I would try to be stoic. But I even failed at that. I think now in my stoic-ness, I was actually trying to not feel at all. I would think, and sometimes still do, why would God want such a crazy rollercoaster like me.
On and off, and a lot more recently, I have examined my life. My mental state.
Some observations...
I have thought I could fix it all.
I have hated my emotional-ness.
I have dwelt on my past and listed my "failures"...
God gave me one word.
LOVE
He's given it repeatedly too. He has shown it to me in His Word during my quiet time. Then in a message on Sunday. In a song I hear on the radio. Through one of my kids. A title of a book.
Okay, God, I get it. Well, kind of. I don't "get" it quite yet, I'm working on it. But I get the fact that you want me to focus on LOVE.
I don't even know where to begin with this simple four letter word and what I think God wants me to get. But I know the beginning of understanding your LOVE, is for me to begin to grasp how you love me. That's it. You simply love me. All of me. In my emotional-ness. My sadness. My rollercoaster-ness. When I've messed up. When I am trying. When I am not. When I feel in the depths of despair. When I think I know it all. When I feel so utterly alone. God, you want me to grasp this LOVE of yours so that I can turn around and love You. With ALL my heart, mind, and soul. God, I think you LOVE me with every fiber of your Being. I know you do.
This is a daily realization for me. And learning brokenness is a good thing. When I am broken, I leave the pieces for You to fix. You do a better job than I ever could.
There is a song that has touched me so deeply recently. I have prayed, sang, and cried these words...

I am broken at Your feet
Like an alabaster jar
Every piece of who I am
Laid before Your majesty

I will bow my life
At Your feet
At Your feet
My lips
So lost for words
Will kiss Your feet
Kiss Your feet

Oh the gravity of You
Draws my soul unto its knees
I will never be the same
I am lost and found in You

For me, it's not just the gravity of who God is, but the depth and gravity of His LOVE that draws my soul unto its knees.
That feeling of being alone, lost- I know You are with me, You have found me. And you LOVE me.

This picture is one of the mountains and waterfalls I would take refuge...I took this shot when I took my children to Colorado to bury my dad. And the song is Alabaster by Rend Collective Experiment.